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Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
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gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh
i dont know.
as my other post says. I want to do something spontaneous. AND I DONT KNOW what i would like to do.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
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i kinda htought the dance would suck last night cuz i didnt have that much fun with emily, but i was wrong. i had tons of fun. the triplets and britney were a hoot. britney dances.. well i have never danced like that before... haha. im really glad i went. also nick curniutte was there with some girl that i never met cuz they had a fight while they were dancing.. lol. i saw abby rhodes and i think cassy (i SUCK at names so who knows) from Lincoln. several others too.
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Friday, January 20th, 2006
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well i was having a good day until mrs. peters decides to talk about the 9/11 twin towers stuff. im ok with that whole event, but she made referneces to little kids mommies and daddies not coming home. thats not really what bothered me; it was her choice of words. some combination of it all really depressed me and at one point i got an almost uncontrollable urge to scream or cry or both or walk out of the room. so THATS why i was in such a shitty mood the remainder of 3rd block and lunch. 4th cheered me up a bit.
then acting class cheered me up the rest of the way. we did another 1950's racism one. those are always the most interesting classes. cuz thats the kind of play, "Hoods," that there is enough emotional strength and purpose to the play, that you can actually go somewhere with it and manipulate it and take it tons of different ways. plays like dancing with grace, not so much. plays like music man, hardly at all. it was just a fun class in general. plus Nik finally made his return. He looked kinda sickly when i first saw him, it might have been he didnt have glasses on. oh well
tiana you missed a good class. not that you'll read this for like 2 weeks, if that.
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Friday, January 6th, 2006
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anthony claridades said something to me today that almost made me cry. im not really sure why. actual tears were in my eyes but they went away. i was working on my essay and it was just tiana, anthony, and i in mr sterns room. i was talking about stress and he said something to the effect of "well at least its good to know that everybody is pulling for you."
either i guess i thought it was sweet or something... i dont know
i am gonna go tap
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Sunday, January 1st, 2006
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i am procrastinating my paper.
therefore i will talk about new years
i dont remember having a MEMORABLE new years in my life. i remember certain things about random ones.. until last year i just spent them alone or with family..which meant i watched it alone.
i think/hope this one is memorable for a long time. It was really great, even though i was just having a bad couple of days, it was still great. Spending it with a bunch of people that i truly love and admire, not all of them were there however, which makes me a sad panda.
i think my expectations were too high. but i do not regret anything. i dont think it could have happened any other way, and had it, i would have not had such a great time.
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Sunday, December 25th, 2005
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my mom and sister really enjoyed the picture of dad that i got enlarged and framed for them. it made mom cry. it sucks cuz she has been sick for a week or two now. and on top of that she is emotinally not healthy.
i dont feel like typing anymore.
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Friday, December 23rd, 2005
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i cant wait until i can just cry
yesterday i spent half the time, when i was alone, with tears in my eyes... not anything more than if they watered up because air was blowing on them..
i will be in virinia for a few days. have a merry christmas
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Sunday, December 4th, 2005
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i refuse to venture into the basement except to do laundry. atleast for a little while. for the purposes of remembering which is what this journal is mostly for, my father died yesterday morning.
we found him in the hot tub almost completely submerged his nose-down was under water. mom and i pulled him out onto the floor and administered cpr. i compressed and she breathed. she got up at some point to open the door for the paramedics and i was hysterical at this point. squealing frantically as a little girl might. i decided he wasnt going to go like this and breathed into his mouth and compressed. the taste was horrifying. not sure what exactly was in his mouth but it was some sort of mucus.
anyway. i was just running around for a while cuz there are so many people here. 3 of moms friends are cleaning for us, which is so sweet. grandma and grandpa are here, though they got lost and i had to go find them and lead them here. and lori and john and their daughter allison came over to give us some food and stuff. we have so much fuckin food. i just wish i was hungry. i am hungry this morning though. hopefully i will continue to be. yesterday i had 3 peices of pizza and a kit kat.
anyway, there was no heart beat from the get go when we were trying to resussitate him. i pushed on his stomache several times when no more are would go into his lungs, and all that came out was gurgling noises. his lungs were mostly filled with water. There were small pools of water in his eye sockets and his eyes were partially open. his lips had begun to turn blue. when the paramedics came we retreated to the brown couch in the main room of the basement. holding each other and sobbing. i would run to fetch any new paramedics that arrived. there were about 8 people or more in the house. i didnt stay around to watch them wheel him out. we put his medicines into a bag to give to the paramedics. i changed my already soaked clothes and told jon, pooor ppoor jon, what had happened, briefly, and that we were headed to thomas. there the doc. told us that it was not good news and that he was dead and they never revived him. at this point we had called moms friend/pastor amy. after the news we called granny and grandpa, mom did that. i called kristen and told her and rod. they called sara then she called me and i missed the call. i called her back and told her what exactly happened and she headed down. kristen and rod came down later too. they asked mom and i if we wanted to see the body. we both refused the offer, but grandpa wanted to see it, as did sara. amy led us in a prayer and i cried all through it. we couldnt get a hold of laura and when we finally did i told her, which was very hard cuz she was sobbing on the other end. eventaully we left and went home where granny and grandpa, sara, and grandma and grandpa came to visit.
i decided to leave to go to katies with jon and josh and kristen. i expected a big sob fest but we watched claymation christmas stories. which was good, got my mind off things. then i had to go perform. it was actually one of my better performances. i was glad i did it. it was the best thing for me. everyone hugged me and they applauded me as i came in which wasnt what i wanted. i dont want peoples pity. i really appreciate support but i want no special treatment.
before we left for thomas i grabbed throat lasanges cuz i knew full well i would be singing that night no matter the outcome.
dan penny and mr. stern have been especially awesome in the adult support department. i sort of already thought of dan and stern as father figures for me, now more than ever. stern even came last night. i love all three of them
and i love all of my wonderful friends that are helping me get through this.
i am off to try to choke down some food.
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Sunday, November 13th, 2005
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ok so update. i stopped liking her cuz it didnt compare to dani i believe. therefore my last post stands.
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Thursday, September 29th, 2005
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im feeling a lot more comfortable with my performance. once i get all the blocking down especially in that first scene and work on my relationships with tad and mary todd. i realized i think of mary todd sorta like my mom and so i feel awkward. and its hard with tad cuz he hasnt been there since this new blocking.
too tired. night
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Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
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haha mara just got on and i IM'd her and i was like YAY you can save me from work. we talked for like 2 minutes and she had to go out to dinner. lol. no one is freaking on to talk to. except tristan. he annoys me.
im thinking after having a good talk about lots of things with tiana yesterday that i will just tell mara here in the VERY near future that i like her and like spending time with her but im not looking for anything serious. i say very near future because if i dont do it soon i'll keep putting it off. i was just considering doing it just now. but its gay to do it online. id ATLEAST like to do it on the phone. which makes it uber harder cuz im shy lol. BUT thats how life is.
im actually using this as an excuse not to work. im stuck in the victorian era. gd i hate that era. lol..
wow i wrote this like an hour ago and got sidetracked and started workin again and just discovered it. good times?
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